Telling Sims 4 TRUTH so you don’t have to
Welcome to Cyclonesue’s Trusted Reviews. Following last week’s article about Sims 4 toilets, I’ll be looking at a small selection of Sims 4 toilets that you can download from The Sims Resource. I’ve been at TSR since circa 1625 and I have a real (as opposed to glass) eye for all those imperfections you need to know about. I’m here to show you the TRUTH about all creations that look better than mine.
As always, don’t bother sending in lawyers; I paid them off already.
We start with the Dama Toilet (from the Dama Bathroom by TSR Featured Artist Pilar…
Go big or go home
No, I’m not referring to me. I know I ate quite a few donuts since last week. I’m talking about THESE babies: twin toilets!
Do your Sims have bottom implants? Perhaps they have a donut addiction? No, I’m not being overly personal and impertinent (well, I am – dial the Better Business Bureau if you don’t like it). If you or your Sims have bottom implants, or if you’re like me and eat too many donuts and so look like you had a TRIPLE BOTTOMOPLASTY (yes, it IS a word because I said so – despite spell-check insisting it should be “Elastoplast” – OTHER BRANDS ARE AVAILABLE!!), then there have been no suitable Sims 4 toilets until now. But good news! If, like the author of this article, you adopted the maxim “go big or go home” quite literally (and didn’t take the ‘go home’ option), then the Dama twin toilet is designed for you (and me).
Who’s “Beady”?
Yes, you heard that right: these are twin toilets! I’m amazed no-one has ever thought about this before. I was ALMOST moved to give a review point for this innovation – except the toilet pair don’t match which has been making my eye twitch all day. So I removed two points instead.
These twin toilets_
[ Now what????? ]
Sorry, the editor was screaming something in my ear about “Beady”… ANYWAY, these twin toilets boast a length and girth to support even the most excessivre elegant derrière, with one seat for each cheek! Pilar is to be commended for this idea, though the review models lose a further point (each) for being a bit clean which we all know is impossible after a Friday night curry. So, fellow donut fans, you now have a place to go to the toilet which won’t offend the neighbours (neighbours who should never have fitted that stupid garden fountain in the first place if they couldn’t take a joke)…
A Sims 4 toilet revolution – but still garbage!
Toilet number 1 has revolutionised the most mundane of household chores with the surprising and welcome inclusion of a sticky-note shopping list holder! The days of toilet boredom will soon be history. Disappointingly, this innovation does have a few problems. Firstly, there is only room for around 12 notes at a time. Secondly, trying to stick the things back on the device only made toilet 1 flush continuously, and if your latest list falls into the toilet when this happens, then it’s bye-bye to all that work!
Cheap
Inexplicably, we found that only toilet number 1 has a lid! This must be to keep costs down as it is an otherwise-unfathomable design decision. The lid was a bit of an intrusion to the larger bottom, so we sought to remove it. Removing the lid proved that it is constructed with the flimsiest of materials – it took us only several hours of battering it repeatedly with hefty Sims 4 bar stools to splinter it into two pieces. So cheap! There remains a jagged edge where the lid used to be, and that is not a comfortable finish. When I break my toilets I do like a smooth edge to sit on afterwards. A bottom with splinters is not my idea of a fun day. Another point lost (each again – toilet 1 for having a rubbish lid, and the beady toilet for not having a useless lid at all).
Refreshments on tap
As far as typically-disappointing Sims 4 toilets go, toilet number 2 [OKAY!!! So it’s a “BEADY toilet!!!”] looks more promising. Firstly, it has an innovative vending widget, so you never need go thirsty ever again. Unfortunately, it has flow control problems and filling a glass became a frustratingly wet experience! YOU’D THINK more thought would have gone into this impossible-to-control beverage dispenser as it jettisons everywhere in the most inappropriate way. There are no options for hot or cold. There is just ONE beverage flavour – stagnant water (the measured alcohol proof of 0% is especially disappointing), and the distinct lack of an ice-maker is simply unforgivable.
I should add that tap, if you’re not careful, could do untold damage or be lost altogether (and you know where)! The beverage control seems to spray at an extraordinary angle leading to all sorts of accidents.
I’m really NOT amused by this. This is my not-amused face if you’re viewing this article in a different country.
Substandard quality
Dama toilet 2 [will you STOP screaming “beady” at me!!!] eschews the flimsy plastic lid that we already broke on toilet 1. This means there is even more room for a larger behind (which both Cyclone-sim and Cyclonesue are thankful for). This is the better of the two toilets by far BUT (butt?), as with all the things made by everyone except Cyclonesue (NOT biased!), there are PROBLEMS GALORE!
Finally, if you are ridiculously and unfashionably slim (NOT jealous), why do you still need BOTH toilets?! This is clearly a sign that one alone is simply not up to the job. Cyclonesue Trusted Reviews will be putting all these questions to Pilar at a later date (when far away from the building).
Review summary
The Dama twin-toilet set had a promising start in the pedigree of Sims 4 toilets. A seat for each cheek, a place for sticky notes so you never lose a shopping list and a refreshment tap for those long mornings of waiting for nature to happen. But a series of poor design choices lets down this otherwise-promising toilet.
This means that the Dama Twin “Beady” Toilet set earns our decidedly meagre 2/10 score.
 Dama Bathroom Set by Pilar |
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EDIT: so, according to just about everyone else, toilet number 2 is supposedly called a BIDET, not “Beady”. And get this! It’s a toilet that apparently toilets back at you. Eww! Just disgusting! Perhaps it’s Toilet-Revenge at its very finest. Anyway, whoever heard of such nonsense?! But, just in case it’s true, BEWARE OF TOILETS SEEKING TOILET REVENGE!
Alternative Sims 4 toilets?
Well, by pure coincidence, Cyclonesue (yes, that’s me but there is NO BIAS WHATSOEVER) offers the most exquisite and refined toilet. This Sims 4 toilet has a handy pole with which you can string up a clothes line to dry all your undies, or if you’re like me you can hold onto that secure pole so you don’t fall off at a critical moment. I think this toilet is much more pleasing to the eye, with no unpleasant shininess to clash unrealistically with the rest of the hovel we live in (we all do, don’t we?) so we award it the prestigious and well deserved Toilet Of The Year award and a 10/10 score! I’m sure you’ll all agree.
Pilar responds:
Pilar refused to be interviewed, branding our Trusted Review as ‘purile’ and unfathomably biased. This indicates a bad attitude in our opinion. Worse, she has threatened legal action for ‘damages’. Regarding the damaged property, we would like to point out that “it was like it when we got here”.
